Masochist: A person who believes in Love

I have lately come to the realization that all who love are masochists. First we meet a girl/guy... than we can't stop thinking about them, than we begin losing touch with our friends, dogs, cats, family (yes.. sadly most would value an animal over family)..... lose touch with our self-esteem (with all those why does he/she not like me.. did i do anything wrong... and does he/she "love" me kinda rhetorical questions). In short we lose ourselves. Than one fine day comes that they/you cheat.... whether this is in a physical form or just a fantasy that one has. In every relation comes a "what if". Soon you realize that you are doing nothing more than fucking yourself in the ass while putting a smile on your face. So if we know that to love (like, lust, infatuation) is to end in pain.... than why love at all?

I think it is due to societal norms. We somehow feel that it is ok to be intimate only if we are in a realtionship (open or closed... plus what is the difference between an open relationship and a fuck buddy?). Next thingyou know... people jump into random relationships to get the mental affirmation to have sex. Next thing you know people make decisions to marry (and spend the rest of their together.... awwww how romantic). I dont understand the reason to "marry" anyone. Besides having a stable environment for the child to grow in... I really dont see the reason to marry/commit your life with one person. Dont get me wrong.. I am the biggest advocate of marriage and abstinance..... but I have begun to question why. Do we only marry so that we have someone by ourselves when we get old? Is marriage nothing more than security for the future. Being a human is to be sooooo self-defendent on others... the need to have someone besides us at all point; hold our hands at any obstacle that life throws (or to share any obstacle that you have crossed). I ask why?

To love is to be a masochist.... otherwise no person with common sense would sign up for this sweet misery. The worst part is... sadly... I am the type of person that falls in love with any girl that shows the slighest bit of attention. Yes... you think I am a hypocrit....probably. But I seriously dont understand the need for love if one doesnt get pleasure out of pain.

- Neo

I want to believe

Throughout my life (about 3-4 years) I have debated about the existence of GOD (people always seem to raise an eyebrow if GOD and believing are used in the same sentence). I journeyed from being an agnostic, an atheist to an existentialist. As my blogs indicate... I look at life as a meaningless flow of events that stretches from birth to the inevitable decomposition of the human body (yes... and also our conscience/soul whatever you are comfortable with). However, everytime I am in some problem or want something really bad... I look up to God for help. I know its pathetic (where the fuck is the loyalty?... I guess I am a business major afterall). I asked God to get me into the Business School... I did; I asked God to get me a well paying job.... I did; I asked God to get me a caring girlfriend/wife... he didn't (j/k.... I meant I didn't........... or should I use the word HE instead of I everywhere?).

After everytime I get something I begin thinking... was it Him (or Her to all the feminist out there) that did it or was it my hard work (as you can see I think highly of myself). My whole view is that regardless of GOD or meaningless existence (should I write that in bold too?), I hate religion. I have always seen the darkside of any religion (fights, terrorism, reason to be good). My debate lies whether HE exists. It is hard for me to grasp the concept of nonliving atoms coming together to form a living being with consciousness and the ability to think and reason. Yet everyday I find it hard to find any reason/purpose with my life. Many have told me that you have to define your purpose and make something out of yourself (makes me sound lazy doesnt it?), however my argument is that even if I do all that... whats the point? of anything we do or say when in the longterm we will all be forgotten. Our body... our life... our day to day activities.... our friends/family.... OUR EXISTENCE will all be forgotten eventually. Billions or years from now even if we exist (if we surprise ourselves by not killing each other) no one is going to remember about George Washington more than a page they read in the history book. Higher probability we will all die (I like to believe that we will hopefully... a big hopefully... learn to be civilized and not kill each other but we will be hit by a comet) and thats it. GOD forbid (how easily i rely on him) we are the only planet with life... in due time, life will stop existing. so what then? are we nothing more than a small probability that accidentally came about to create life?

Gettin back to GOD, I think I believe in something superior, someone that gives me hope, something that designed all this. But I am not sure what? who? and if he even helps me.. I guess when I am being tortured in hell, I will think of this blog and kick myself for not writing a blog about how i love HIM.

- Neo
(P.S. God please dont be mad.. I am still a child, I will grow up one day)

Sold my soul

So I receive this phonecall the other day letting me know of my status (like I asked for it) at Wachovia as a Sales and Trader. "We believe you would be a great fit".... First thing that hit me... wow they are nothing more than a bunch of idiots who didnt catch my lies (oooo I love Wachovia and I believe it is the perfect fit for my longterm career goals).... or they knew I was lying, they knew every other candidate was too, but just happened that my lies were more amusing (not to confuse with believing).

It is awesome, I told myself many times that I would never give up something I "liked" for money.... but I guess earning 100K out of college can quickly change your mind. In an ideal world, I should say no and keep looking for the career path that I actually like. But not having a job security can make a person do things (actually its more like greed can make a person do things). So now here I am becoming what I have hated... Dining and wineing with the devil. Plus on the positive side I make already rich people more rich... where the fuck is the selfless gratification? The best part, however, is that knowing all this I still cant seem to stop myself from signing the dotted line. I dont know what is pulling me in.

I assume all responsibility for any future blog that talks about how much I hate my job.

- Neo