"R"

As the morning sun hits my eye,
The beautiful dream of us comes to an end.
No time with you can make my heart content;
No corner exists in which you I can’t view.
But reality can’t be misconstrued;
Dreams of us can never be true.

My soul cant help but fall in love with every glance.
Love the way words from your lips flow;
Love the way how your eyes make my heart glow.
All I ask from destiny is a chance.
But reality can’t be misconstrued;
Dreams of us can never be true.

Next to you I wish to be with every passing mile;
Next to you I feel all my pain numbing.
What magic do you possess that I cant stop hymning?
I am willing to do anything, even fall if it made you smile.
But reality can’t be misconstrued;
Dreams of us can never be true.

As the lights go out, tossing in my bed;
Imagine my bliss; next to me...you is what I see.
If our lips could touch, if you could only cuddle with me.
I will be with you tonight, even if it is just in my head.
But reality can’t be misconstrued;
Dreams of us can never be true.

In your eyes I see no me;
Not even an enemy should suffer this pain;
The pain of being ignored by the one whose love you wish to gain;
For once in my life I ask, how incomplete must I be?
In your heart I know there can never be a place for my name;
Still I hope for the day that real some of my dreams became.

Walking Down a Familiar Path

I have decided to ask out "R" (though the mind never stops questioning the decision). With the acceptance of the fact that I have feelings for her... I walk down a familiar path that, in the past, has brought nothing more than regret. I am ready to admit my weakness(only a few though... I'm a guy after all)....... I get attached very easily. With the acceptance of liking her... comes constant pondering of what will I say, how will I say, how will she react, will we still remain friends, am I doing the right thing, should I even ask her out? (and all these questions make u question if this is even "love" because you are debating every move). Are my questions a normal part of any guy? (what is normal btw?... lets not get into that discussion today) or is it my business major that has taught me to question and analyze every opportunity? (.. which if it is the case than education/money have forever tainted my notion of love... knew school was up to no good).
Whatever it is, I see myself doing the same crazy things I do when I start liking a girl... listen to love songs, dance around in the room, be nice to my roommates (not that i am not nice on a normal basis), more optimistic about random things, checkin myself in the mirror (i know this is "normal") and in general just being in a better mood (i even started writtin my blog again :)... given that I started it with talking about "M"... familiar path indeed).
I am not afraid of asking her or even the rejection, I am afraid of making myself vulnerable. But than a friend told me (who was told by his friend) that "what is love if not being vulnerable".. (ahhhh how good that sounds...if only ego could understand).... It is not the rejection that kills u.. it is to see her day in day out... a half fake smile (lets not forget the pity) in her eyes as she and u both try to pretend nothing happened and everything will be as before.

I guess no pain no gain. I guess a heartache is no big deal if it gives me a chance to be with her.

-Neo
P.S. In the next few blogs u will see mite see some depressing (since I am optimistic) or really joy filled posts. Love's in the air baby!

Friends without falling in love

*This is an incomplete blog because during the writting of it... my feelings changed*

Its been a while since my last entry... but current situation calls for an entry. Lately I think (yes i often fail to interpret my brain) I have started having feelings for a girl. She is decent looking, nice personality and I enjoy being with her (which guy does not enjoy being with a female).... however theres is no chemistry/connection.. or whatever u call it.
I promised myself after my last dating escapades.. that I would learn just to be friends with female instead of wanting to date them. So I became frineds with this one female, lets just call her "R". We actually became good friends and I never had feelings for her. She is quite frankly not my type (nor do I think I am her type).... but lately I have started having some kind of wierd attraction towards her. I dont know if it is physical or not (yah i know it sounds funny coming from a guy)... but there is def a strange attraction towards her. My dilemma lies in should i ask her out?... but before that I need to know if i actually like her.....

1) Does "liking" someone in terms of enjoying their company.. constitue as liking them in terms of dating? Is it true that if u spend enough time with someone... even a monkey will seem a potential mate (or is it just that i am an emotionally weak person?) Does it reflect a society incapable of having friends with the urge to put superficial labels such as dating/girlfriend/love and other such mundane terms?

2) If i dont feel the chemistry... should I still pursue her. Relationships are nothing more than commitment at the end of the day. We commit the be with a single person for no real good reason.

Masochist: A person who believes in Love

I have lately come to the realization that all who love are masochists. First we meet a girl/guy... than we can't stop thinking about them, than we begin losing touch with our friends, dogs, cats, family (yes.. sadly most would value an animal over family)..... lose touch with our self-esteem (with all those why does he/she not like me.. did i do anything wrong... and does he/she "love" me kinda rhetorical questions). In short we lose ourselves. Than one fine day comes that they/you cheat.... whether this is in a physical form or just a fantasy that one has. In every relation comes a "what if". Soon you realize that you are doing nothing more than fucking yourself in the ass while putting a smile on your face. So if we know that to love (like, lust, infatuation) is to end in pain.... than why love at all?

I think it is due to societal norms. We somehow feel that it is ok to be intimate only if we are in a realtionship (open or closed... plus what is the difference between an open relationship and a fuck buddy?). Next thingyou know... people jump into random relationships to get the mental affirmation to have sex. Next thing you know people make decisions to marry (and spend the rest of their together.... awwww how romantic). I dont understand the reason to "marry" anyone. Besides having a stable environment for the child to grow in... I really dont see the reason to marry/commit your life with one person. Dont get me wrong.. I am the biggest advocate of marriage and abstinance..... but I have begun to question why. Do we only marry so that we have someone by ourselves when we get old? Is marriage nothing more than security for the future. Being a human is to be sooooo self-defendent on others... the need to have someone besides us at all point; hold our hands at any obstacle that life throws (or to share any obstacle that you have crossed). I ask why?

To love is to be a masochist.... otherwise no person with common sense would sign up for this sweet misery. The worst part is... sadly... I am the type of person that falls in love with any girl that shows the slighest bit of attention. Yes... you think I am a hypocrit....probably. But I seriously dont understand the need for love if one doesnt get pleasure out of pain.

- Neo

I want to believe

Throughout my life (about 3-4 years) I have debated about the existence of GOD (people always seem to raise an eyebrow if GOD and believing are used in the same sentence). I journeyed from being an agnostic, an atheist to an existentialist. As my blogs indicate... I look at life as a meaningless flow of events that stretches from birth to the inevitable decomposition of the human body (yes... and also our conscience/soul whatever you are comfortable with). However, everytime I am in some problem or want something really bad... I look up to God for help. I know its pathetic (where the fuck is the loyalty?... I guess I am a business major afterall). I asked God to get me into the Business School... I did; I asked God to get me a well paying job.... I did; I asked God to get me a caring girlfriend/wife... he didn't (j/k.... I meant I didn't........... or should I use the word HE instead of I everywhere?).

After everytime I get something I begin thinking... was it Him (or Her to all the feminist out there) that did it or was it my hard work (as you can see I think highly of myself). My whole view is that regardless of GOD or meaningless existence (should I write that in bold too?), I hate religion. I have always seen the darkside of any religion (fights, terrorism, reason to be good). My debate lies whether HE exists. It is hard for me to grasp the concept of nonliving atoms coming together to form a living being with consciousness and the ability to think and reason. Yet everyday I find it hard to find any reason/purpose with my life. Many have told me that you have to define your purpose and make something out of yourself (makes me sound lazy doesnt it?), however my argument is that even if I do all that... whats the point? of anything we do or say when in the longterm we will all be forgotten. Our body... our life... our day to day activities.... our friends/family.... OUR EXISTENCE will all be forgotten eventually. Billions or years from now even if we exist (if we surprise ourselves by not killing each other) no one is going to remember about George Washington more than a page they read in the history book. Higher probability we will all die (I like to believe that we will hopefully... a big hopefully... learn to be civilized and not kill each other but we will be hit by a comet) and thats it. GOD forbid (how easily i rely on him) we are the only planet with life... in due time, life will stop existing. so what then? are we nothing more than a small probability that accidentally came about to create life?

Gettin back to GOD, I think I believe in something superior, someone that gives me hope, something that designed all this. But I am not sure what? who? and if he even helps me.. I guess when I am being tortured in hell, I will think of this blog and kick myself for not writing a blog about how i love HIM.

- Neo
(P.S. God please dont be mad.. I am still a child, I will grow up one day)

Sold my soul

So I receive this phonecall the other day letting me know of my status (like I asked for it) at Wachovia as a Sales and Trader. "We believe you would be a great fit".... First thing that hit me... wow they are nothing more than a bunch of idiots who didnt catch my lies (oooo I love Wachovia and I believe it is the perfect fit for my longterm career goals).... or they knew I was lying, they knew every other candidate was too, but just happened that my lies were more amusing (not to confuse with believing).

It is awesome, I told myself many times that I would never give up something I "liked" for money.... but I guess earning 100K out of college can quickly change your mind. In an ideal world, I should say no and keep looking for the career path that I actually like. But not having a job security can make a person do things (actually its more like greed can make a person do things). So now here I am becoming what I have hated... Dining and wineing with the devil. Plus on the positive side I make already rich people more rich... where the fuck is the selfless gratification? The best part, however, is that knowing all this I still cant seem to stop myself from signing the dotted line. I dont know what is pulling me in.

I assume all responsibility for any future blog that talks about how much I hate my job.

- Neo

What is the rush about?

I have lately come to see that I (and most others that I know) are rushing to get something. Some are rushing for the more dummer things in life: money. Many I know are working/ running around looking for that perfect job that will pay them lots of money. They can buy their Gucci shoes, Prada belt and many other metrosexually explicit items. So it seems that we are running around just to have the power to trade.... trade money for some product or service (its even worse when people give up opportunities of love for thier "career" and than end up lonely in some brothel.... where the girl who also gave up on "love" is doing this so that she can have enough money to "get" by hard life).
Some are running around to achieve something (which is a little more respectable I guess). Whether this be fame or power (I think these general categories sum all the rest) they spend their whole life looking for it. My problem lies in this... are we ever satisfied? Can you truly recall of a time where you felt that this was it... I dont want anything else in life. Nothing can make me happier than I am at this moment... Have you? I dont think I have (and I will be damned if Im the only one that hasnt experienced this internal/mental nirvana). So if we can never have enough... than why rush around life getting anything? In the end even if we get the fame, power, money (with the hooker), there is still something we will want to have after that because as humans we cant be easily satisfied (with the word "easy" being an understatment).

All I am saying is that if we cant find true happiness (if such a thing even exists..... plus even if it did I dont want to say I have achieved "true happiness" cause it makes me sound like a sissy) than why not just enjoy the moment and let things fall into place. Of course I am not promoting people to be hippies (sorry guys) because I do believe that you learn a lot about ur self while on the quest to get what u want. But overall I think people need to calm down.... sit... relax and enjoy the moment because after all this moment that just passed is never coming back... in this universe or a parallel universe (imagine you just wasted this moment reading a random kid's blog about his silly view on life.... maybe your images in parallel universes aren't soo stupid... are they?)

To stop my babbling... I will just say that enjoy the moment..... and be content.

- Neo

Dog Without a Home..... or Existence

I am Indian by decent. India is my home country and nothing can take its place. Dont get me wrong... America is great n all, but it is not home. The poverty, corruption, population... I LOVE IT ALL. Few months back... I became an American citizen. I officially gave my "Indian" identity, however, I am still a brown kid with a dorky accent (imagine a younger Apu... sadly my dad owns a gas station too). I had to apply for a visa to go back home. So now i realize that I am no longer "Indian" but I still dont feel "American" in my heart. So what am I?

I value my Indian culture and traditions. However, when I went back home... I saw an India that was different to me. McDonalds and Pizza Hut were the new popular spots. Local eating places had to be "westernized" inorder to stay in business. My cousins n friends only talked English and half the channels on TV showed Friends, Seinfield, American movies and MTV. Skyscrapers everywhere. The home that I had held soo dearly wasn't the same anymore... and it seemed that besides me no one else seemed to hold on to the past. Sure it was great to talk to friends about the "good ol' days" (the time when we used to steal mangoes from the neighbor's trees, or throw water balloons at people or sing and mimic bollywood movies), however.. no one wanted to relive those times. Moreover, American culture is too liberalized for me... which brings me back to my original question.. Who am I? Geographically and Culturally?

In a world of changing times (dominated by lust: rich wanting to become richer and everyone wanting more powerful) can one really hold on to anything from childhood to death? Family changes and evolves, people change, culture changes, society changes, geography changes... everything changes... everything races to decay into nothingness. So in our race to inevitable decay (atleast of the human body to all u spiritual freaks out there), what can we hold on to stabilize our life. Every moment can be lived to the fullest but knowing that there is no way to relieve that again how can you not be sad and let it get to u. Are we supposed to experience each moment with a smile and a tear rolling down at the same time? The fundamental question still remains... Who are we? Am I indian? American? Do I have a culture that someone besides me follows?... I hate being scientific about it... but the only thing that binds us together is the fact that we are nothing more than "homo sapiens".... a scientific name that groups like animals with similar features.

- Neo